Sunday, August 12, 2012
This Wouldn't Have Happened if Blaine Had Listened to Me About the Emergency Room....
(Okay, I must warn you that this post contains adult content. Viewer discretion is advised as it may not be suitable for all audiences.)
(Don't worry, there will be no pictures.)
Okay, one morning we woke up to a nice little sprinkling of rain which made my deck garden's multiple types of flowers glitter like jewels. And, as I always do, I opened the drapes all the way across the sliding glass doors so that the entire deck was visible, making that entire wall a beautiful "picture" of my magnificent deck garden. I enjoy looking at it all day long. (Can you tell I'm proud of it?) That day I was looking forward to planting some pretty coleus cuttings I had rooted in water and also deadheading my petunias.
Anyway, Blaine appeared to be piddling around and looking out of sorts. And he was also frantically scratching his knees, thighs, and er....um....his private area. So finally I asked him "What in the heck is the matter with you? Why aren't you reading your newspaper?"
After hemming and hawing for a few minutes, he revealed his problem. He was totally embarassed about telling me but he finally said that he was a victim of quite a nice case of chigger bites! He showed me---and Lord, they were all over him, from his knees up to his waist. After thinking a minute, we deduced that he had caught them because he always wears shorts outside while bending over and standing up and down in the grass while watering his tomato garden.
So, he had flaming red bumps from the waist down , the itching of which was driving him crazy. I had to call a local pharmacist because he adamently refused my advice to go to the Emergency Room. I asked the pharmacist if there was anything over the counter for chigger bites. She said yes, you can use an ointment called "Chigarid" to swab onto each bite. You don't need a prescription for it but it's not on the shelves---you have to ask for it because it's behind the pharmacy counter.
I don't understand that. I mean, I can understand why they keep products containing pseudophed and other products behind the pharmacist's counter because they are ingredients used in the manufacturing of "crack". But Chigarid? Is there some sort of drug culture that uses Chigarid to get high? Are there Chigarid junkies? For God's sakes, it comes in a tiny little bottle and smells like a cross between Vicks Vapo-Rub and Ben-Gay. And I can guarantee you that a little tub of Vicks Vapo-Rub (or a tube of Ben-Gay) is a hell of a lot cheaper than the tiny little bottle of Chigarid. I guess it takes all kinds in this world...
Where was I?
Oh yes, Blaine's chigger bites.
Anyway, down to the drugstore I went and bought the Chigarid. I came home, read the directions, and told Blaine to disrobe below the waist. He pulled his pants down to his ankles and stood in front of me as I sat on a dining room chair to get the best angle.
I did the back first. I took the Chigarid bottle and used the little wand that comes with it to swab all the chigger bites on the back of his knees and thighs---and also up to his butt cheeks. Then he had to manually hold his butt cheeks up so that I could get to the chigger bites that were under there.
"Man, that stuff stings!" he complained, dancing around like a marionnette with his hands holding his butt cheeks aloft.
"Stand still you idgit!" I exclaimed. "Now I've got to do the front!"
So he turned around so that I could do the front, and I commenced to swab more of the vivid red bites with the Chigarid ointment. I swabbed bites all up his inner thighs. I even told him pull his er.....um....private bits up so that I could get the Chigarid to those areas. And I even had to swab on his er....um....REALLY private area.
"Okay, you're all done for now", I told him. "You can pull up your pants now. We can do another dose later in the day."
He pulled up his pants and I stood up to go get a cup of coffee..... and it was then that I noticed.
Oh. My. God.
I was utterly mortified to realize that everything we had been doing was a few feet away from the sliding glass doors, in FULL VIEW of at least three houses' windows whose back yards back up to our back yard.....
God knows that if anybody was looking they were probably aghast, thinking they had just witnessed some weird or perverted sexual act.
("Oh please baby... put some Chigarid on me.....yeah baby, that's the way....put some more on....oh, that's so good baby.....")